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You’re Telling Me Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Are Finally “Single”?

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Time is such a malleable concept. Uncomfortably so! There you go clomping and stomping one foot in front of the other, living a whole lifetime that, at scale, is barely a blip. It moves so fast! You may try to hold on, but you won’t be able to. And yet, at the very same time it refuses to speed up: did you know It Only Tuesday ? I know, it feels like Friday. But, well, I regret to inform you it only Tuesday. What I’d love to know is, What is time and how does it work? You’re telling me some God built a big universe, complete with bagel holes that have a gravitational pull so dense, light can’t escape, and that she also managed to include narwhals in her big plan. But she left time as more of a . . . suggestion. Or, maybe, time is fixed, like temperature, but the AccuWeather RealFeel is just all over the place. It’s maddening!

Take for example—I don’t know, picking at random here— Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s divorce. It has been gestating for eons—since September 2016. That’s almost three years! Three years of negotiating and sculpting and crying into one’s pillow at night, “But what shall become of Miraval rosé ??” And yet, only last Friday, April 12, they were reportedly deemed “single” by the court, per documents obtained by The Blast . The RealFeel time of this whole thing: one thousand years.

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The Blast also states that their marriage is over, but they’ll continue negotiating custody and assets. Angelina Jolie-Pitt, too, is no longer Angelina Jolie-Pitt. She is, legally, Angelina Jolie again. I didn’t realize she was ever anything but Angelina Jolie, but I blame the confusion on time, too.

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It takes one thousand years to be as you were. So maybe it isn’t time that is both hurrying up and waiting; it is divorce proceedings that is causing all the confusion. Serves me right for measuring time not by minutes, or hours, but by length of time it takes to dissolve a Hollywood marriage.

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